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AMERICA....(THE BEAUTIFUL????)
Independence.....What FUCKING independence? I have recently pondered that very question. It seems like no matter what you
do, where you go, or how hard you try to (comply with the status quo) there is always some religious or political zealot who
ain't worth the part that was left in the condom trying to make you conform to their little, trivial ways.
These pissants are just a bunch of GODDAMN cowards like that bunch of school bullies(you know the ones) who had to
have numbers to feel like they were part of something.
As of late, it seems like I have been forced to jump through fiery hoops to get anywhere in life. I am constantly
bearing the brunt of my worst sin, Trying to feel accepted. What is so f#*^@n' wrong with that? GOD DAMN it! Why is it that
I am incessantly being punished for being born as a male. It wasn't my fault. I didn't ask to be born in the first place.
Secondly, I am living with this uncontrollable self-loathing and disdain for myself while trying to get along with those same
few who would try to do me wrong in the name of GOD or politics. Ya' know, I can handle that for the most part.It's the day
to day living as a man that's killing me inside. I hate waking up in the morning and looking in the mirror. I feel nothing
except shame and disgust. I just hope that there is some good left when this shell is no more
(SORRY FOR THE RANT. Sometimes, you have to VENT...........
Update
I apologize for lack of any new events. It's been a while and I kinda' lost track of this. DUH!!!
As of April, 2005:
I have gotten first recommendation letter and see a regular endocrinologist. Much safer than self-dosing.
I have begun laser treatments. Second being tomorrow afternoon. YAY !!!!!
I've been in a very AWESOME relationship with my wife Kelly. We just had 15 month anniversary. ( You know it's good when
you wanna' celebrate it that often)
I am in process of beginning my own GLBT friendly construction firm. I still may sub-contract for a while through the
same comp. as my last employer. I shouldn't have to leave an occupation that's always taken care of me just because I was
transitioning. I've already been OUTED to them, and I still have that credibility with them. They respect me, not my gender.(Or
so they say)
AS OF OCTOBER,2005 :
Work transition update:
Tides of change is all I can say...Where to begin. Shortly after my last entry, the employer we worked for saw a decline
in business. As a result, we began doing side jobs on weekends to supplement our incomes. We began to establish ourselves
as a result of a couple high-profile homes we worked on.
Well, I gave the contractor we worked for, as a reference to a local builder. A week or so later, I ran into him
at a local lumberyard. I began to talk to him about what he knew regarding a job we had previously discussed. He then proceeds
to say," Yeah, I called that guy you USED to work for. He said you were nothing but a worthless cocksucker." I was
looking for any sign in his face of a joke. "Yeah, right. What did he really say?"
Expecting him to say, "Just kidding" with his next words, I was floored when he proceeded to say, "That
guy also said you're a transsexual to boot." For a moment, I was kinda' numb. Betrayed by the very people that had just
months earlier had helped me pick myself up.
After a moment, he said, "Should it matter?" We talked about the difficulties of transition. He proposed
a couple good questions which we discussed in depth for a while. Then when he asked me what difficulties I have had as a result
of my transition. I replied,"None really." He said he couldn't believe I've had no troubles. I left him with a question.
"If I am capable of doing the work, Should It Matter?"
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