Validation ????
Mood:  on fire
Topic: Acceptance
This entry will sound pretty crazy til' I get it hammered into order. So, please excuse the chaos.
It all begins with a recent visit from ex-wifey. I am quite proud of the degree of acceptance she has gained in herself, as well as in myself. She used to have all these little witicisms, "Fuckin' fag", "Closet queer", and my personal fave, "Bitch!".
We sat around the porch of her friends' home. After a while, we had went through all the formalities of catching up, she asked if "What she seen was me or was I stuffing." I told her it was me,"Hell, I'm not even wearing a bra." After my response, she asked if she could touch them. I said if you want to, I guess so. So, after a couple minutes, she finally got up the nerve to just kinda' brush against my breast. She immediately flinched when she realized they were REAL, she felt the actual core mass of tissue. WHOA!
I figured she had been through enough. Nobody was fighting, all's well. But I was not quite prepared for her continuing her questioning. "May I see them?" Um-umm-uh-yikes-uh-I guess. She realized then I was really on the path on not looking back. It was totally cool, because of the validations I felt, were absolutely positive. She always used my new name and proper verbage throughout the evening, until the liquor took it's toll. She missed a couple, but I forgive her totally. She has come a long way with her own personal demons. I'm just glad to see she has got herself together finally.

Lifestyle?Choice?...(Have you lost your cotton-pickin'?)
Mood:  happy
Topic: Essays
Quite a while ago, in another lifetime, having just found my path. I was quite naiive, looking for some sort of acceptance. Well, everywhere you went, you were only ogled as an oddity. Leering glances and sideways gestures.
Well, it was during this time, that I was hanging out with a particular drag queen girlfriend of mine. Okay, so get this....She had the audacity to stand there and admonish me for wanting to change. Loud as Hell, she was. " Get over it girl...It's just a lifestyle. " "It'll Go Away!" It took all my composure to keep from letting "Miss Thang" have it.
Shit, that girl has lost her cotton-pickin' mind. I remember that day a lot these days. When I kept my old self in check and asked her,"Where she got off...Lifestyle choice? Do you choose to breath? The only choice to be made was to live up to my potential. (Quality of existence.)" I realized I had grown up . I kinda' seen who I was to be in the future, and the "Sense of Purpose" I feel now, is related.
I am perceived to be extreme and irrational by some, while others see who I really am . They realize the circumstances, and know the amount of conditions I am placing on myself. They are among my best friends. Sadly, not everyone perceives the world in the same way. They are afraid, hurtful, and want nothing more to see us fail and stay on Jerry Springer.
The choice of self-imposed conditions we place ourselves under, show that we have given this a long period of consideration, maybe even a lifetime in my case. We consider the possibility of losing our families, job/career, possibly even the victim of hate-crimes or depression. It isn't an easy road.
I haven't ever had much for family interaction(excluding funerals), which I know there are some I will lose but they were never there anyway. That one is kinda' easy. The ones I have managed to maintain are slow to warm up, and probably think it is simply a phase. (KEEP PRAYING!!!!!!!)
My career is gonna' eventually change. I am still currently working construction and my co-workers are cool with it. I still work as a man, but they know, they joke with me about it, and they even see ME once in a while. Eventually, that will change with the new year. By Spring, Kassie will have to be in the drivers' seat. I'm not binding anymore than I have to.(Unless there are handcuffs involved! LOL)

Trans = Ok To Be Gay
Mood:  incredulous
Topic: Essays
I had been quite lost about my sexual identity as of the time of these occurences. I knew that I was female, so at the time I assumed I should have a male partner. That was the only way someone would want to have anything to do with me.
The one and only thing I was positive of in life at this point was honesty. TOTAL HONESTY! I was completely honest with whoever came along about what was to be.(Transition) Well, quite a few of these people realized I was not what they wanted and started the gay drama mill into motion. Spreading rumors to the extent that I was in denial over being gay and many other much more hurtful things. I think they were trying to make me upset so I would lose control of myself, which I had a habit of at that time in my life.
They almost succeeded. I was attacked in a drunken rage by a (friend) of mine. He was HIV positive. Anyway, he said that, "If you don't want me, then noone will ever want you." and attacked me trying to bite me. Well, I am still fighting the good fight over that one. I am fighting for Kassies' right to be, as well as staying out of prison. Plus regular HIV testing, which isn't a bad thing, just totally frightening.
Let me clarify something. He is still alive, it just reads weird. But nonetheless, he is dead to me. I have tried ever so hard to put my old self away and be the person I always knew I was. Kind, honest, sincere, loving of my fellow man and the world in general. But that definitely put a hole in my balloon. I realized that there will always be those people who want to see us fail and shrink away to be never heard from again.
My grandmother on the other hand thinks I have been brain-washed and would be "NORMAL" if I went back home. There isn't a place there for someone like me, NOT YET. My brothers can't seem to grasp the totality of what is going on through their alcohol-induced stupor. I will just have to give it time, one thing I have become is a little more patient. Anxious, but patient. Hell, it took me 9 months of therapy to get my first letter for hormone therapy. But guess what? I DID IT!!!!!! Time to be.

Mood:  incredulous
Topic: Essays
I have been thinking a lot lately about what I would want to see in a website such as this. Everyone seems to have a site appearing to educate the outside world (which is good).
Unfortunately, all these sites are basically a repeat of each other. Each one hardly differing in content from the next one. I have come up with ideas for a series of essays answering some of the questions and accusations I have faced so far in my transition.
Trans = Ok To Be Gay?
Couldn't Cut It As A Man?
Why A Trans Partner?
What Is Love....REAL LOVE????
Lifestyle...Choice?(Have you lost your cotton-pickin'?)
The Path Seldom Chosen....HAPPINESS
Obviously, this will take a while to prepare, so please don't expect miracles. I am probably the farthest thing from an author, so please forgive any run-ons and occasional emotional outbursts in my writings. Thank You!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bare Emotions
Mood:  don't ask
Topic: Onion Peels
It's hard to lay a whole lifetime to rest. I have been doing well to exorcise those demons. To the best of my knowledge, I am doing well.
It's been months since I laid Darrell to rest and have never looked back. I have blown the doors clean off the closet and burned each and every bridge back as I went, leaving no chance of return.
I have been letting my barriers go one at a time, one at a time, til now I have hardly anything left. As a result, I have let go all the little self-defense mechanisms I built so long ago. Baring the essence of each raw tendril of emotion to the merciless world to be chewed upon. Like the skin of an onion peel away layer by layer, leaving you with nothing but tears.

Self-Validation and PRIDE
Mood:  cheeky
Topic: Self-Esteem & Pride
I have been at the task of puttting myself back together again. I have built up a lot of Karma Points as of late.
I have gotten rid of my wigs, Softened my makeup, gotten together a look that once polished will definitely work for me. I have stopped dressing like a (QUEEN) and trying to put together outfits that work for my body shape.
Actually, I have become quite proud of Myself. WOW, that felt great to say. I don't know if I believe it myself or not. But, let's see what happens.

Life Is A Big Fuckin' Closet
Mood:  blue
Topic: Self-Discovery
I have set this entry aside for too long . Now, it's time to address it.
I first tried dressing up in my mother's clothing when I was I guess about 7years old. I felt at ease, pretty, and confident in myself. Maybe too much so, because in my foolish young mind, I told my younger brother about it and he outed me to my parents. I caught all kinds of Hell for that one. It took me a long time to get over the shame and guilt I felt for being myself. I also felt major pains of distrust and betrayal from my brother. I am not sure why but it took me a long time to trust myself with my "Secret Self" again. I tried so hard to put it on a shelf, to no avail.
When I turned 14, we moved away from that little Hell-hole and said goodbye to all the repressed feelings and hate-filled people I grew up with. New Beginnings, YAAAY.
As I became at ease in a new environment, and made new friends, I began to feel comfortable with myself again. I had been stealing my aunts clothing and wearing them for quite some time.This went on over a series of months. I began wondering , "Was I gay?" "Am I straight?", or am I just a freak? I didn't know, but nonetheless, I felt alive.
One day, I came home from school and behold, the clothes were gone. I had them hidden in a sack in under my dresser. My room was always neat, so cleaning was not the issue for someone to invade my sanctum. No words were ever said. That scared me for a while but as you can guess, it was far from over.
Once I got out of the service, I immediately began seriously crossdressing. I was out buying wigs and clothes and everything I could lay my hands on that fit. I sooo wanted to go "All the way" across, but lack of knowledge and a less than savory environment curtailed me once again.
I then made the biggest mistake of a T. Settling and getting married. I had told her of my crossdressing tendencies. She thought it was funny but was cool with it.(for now) I kept it in the closet as much as I could. It was extremely hard to keep this secret in a full house(She had 2 children previously)
We had troubles in our marriage after my father died. It was a constant battleground. Break up, Make up,etc.Once you break up, it only gets easier the next time.
So, finally after 30 years, I came out and started performing drag in Missouri. I made several mistakes, as you can only imagine.
Finally, I have came to the part of my life that has meaning. I realized who I was and what path I was to take in my life. I guess the light just came on and said, "Time to get on with it" "TIME TO BE"

Kassie's Soul
Mood:  happy
Topic: Self-Discovery
It's been long enough since I started this site for my therapy. Now, I plan to use the space.
As you know, I am Kassidy (Kassie 2 my friends).I am a pre-op Male 2 Female transsexual.I am trying to establish my identity to find out truly who I am on the inside. So, I am spilling my guts here.
I was born W------ D------ G----- in a sleepy, gossipy, little bible-toting community called Mountain Home, Arkansas. I was the oldest of three male children.
I have self- identified as female since my earliest recollection. I seen myself as a girl before I could ever differentiate male and female.
Growing up in that kind of stifling, (close) environment gave me no end of grief in how I related on a daily basis. I wanted to do girl stuff like make-up and clothes and such. I also wanted to be held, accepted , and loved as I was, not by who I pretended to be. (As if anyone could like the arrogant, stand-offish, Asshole I was.)
Like so many of my sisters, I participated in every macho, (boy) activity I could. I tried to convince myself of my worth as a boy as a way to deny how I felt inside. I felt ashamed to acknowledge my true nature. I can still hear my father telling me, "I didn't raise no Damn sissy!" So, I built this Alpha-male fascade to deter peoples' suspicions. I done a pretty good job too. Fooled almost everyone, except myself.
Christ sakes, did I waste a bunch of my life. Hell, I even got married to a pretty good person and brought my own unique brand of grief and chaos into her world. I feel kinda' bad about that, but at the same time I feel better off for the experience. I don't think I would be at the point in my life I am without her. Thanx Kerry!!!!!!
I have truly came out in most aspects of life except for a few family members. I have to do it in such a way as to not upset the balance of things. I will do that in very short order now. I will be finishing that task in mid to late September. DAMN, I can't wait.
With any luck, I should be starting classes in November or thereabouts. I want to be in classes and getting good hormone results by end of year or late winter. Then, I will change my name and present Kassie for the world to behold.
I am growing up, BLOSSOMING, as Kelly puts it. I am actually planning for the future, and honestly want to be a part of it. I think the world will be a better place with ME in it.
For now, That's all I got to say 'bout that.

When Kelly Met Kassie
Mood:  amorous
Topic: Acceptance
This entry begins on January 24, 2004 . It was the most significant day in my new life. That was the day my wife met Kassie.
I had known her for several months. I had told her that I "dressed-up" and she was cool with that. Then one night I went out En Femme and when our eyes locked, that was all she wrote. We have been thicker than thieves ever since.
Who else can understand a TS like another TS? Not many could. I never have that worry of, "Oh honey, by the way, I have something we need to talk about" or " I have no idea how those panties got in my drawer" I don't have to pretend to be someone I'm not. And if there's anything I need to know, two heads are better than one.
Who else is gonna' understand the personal hardships you're going through? Unconditionally. Who has already been where you are and can help with understanding the sacrifices and plans you are making to ensure your future happiness
That closeness, that mutual respect for eachothers tenacity for following things through, and kindred interests and reciprocated affection that makes you look forward to each morning. That is what makes life worth living.