Life Is A Big Fuckin' Closet
Mood:  blue
Topic: Self-Discovery
I have set this entry aside for too long . Now, it's time to address it.
I first tried dressing up in my mother's clothing when I was I guess about 7years old. I felt at ease, pretty, and confident in myself. Maybe too much so, because in my foolish young mind, I told my younger brother about it and he outed me to my parents. I caught all kinds of Hell for that one. It took me a long time to get over the shame and guilt I felt for being myself. I also felt major pains of distrust and betrayal from my brother. I am not sure why but it took me a long time to trust myself with my "Secret Self" again. I tried so hard to put it on a shelf, to no avail.
When I turned 14, we moved away from that little Hell-hole and said goodbye to all the repressed feelings and hate-filled people I grew up with. New Beginnings, YAAAY.
As I became at ease in a new environment, and made new friends, I began to feel comfortable with myself again. I had been stealing my aunts clothing and wearing them for quite some time.This went on over a series of months. I began wondering , "Was I gay?" "Am I straight?", or am I just a freak? I didn't know, but nonetheless, I felt alive.
One day, I came home from school and behold, the clothes were gone. I had them hidden in a sack in under my dresser. My room was always neat, so cleaning was not the issue for someone to invade my sanctum. No words were ever said. That scared me for a while but as you can guess, it was far from over.
Once I got out of the service, I immediately began seriously crossdressing. I was out buying wigs and clothes and everything I could lay my hands on that fit. I sooo wanted to go "All the way" across, but lack of knowledge and a less than savory environment curtailed me once again.
I then made the biggest mistake of a T. Settling and getting married. I had told her of my crossdressing tendencies. She thought it was funny but was cool with it.(for now) I kept it in the closet as much as I could. It was extremely hard to keep this secret in a full house(She had 2 children previously)
We had troubles in our marriage after my father died. It was a constant battleground. Break up, Make up,etc.Once you break up, it only gets easier the next time.
So, finally after 30 years, I came out and started performing drag in Missouri. I made several mistakes, as you can only imagine.
Finally, I have came to the part of my life that has meaning. I realized who I was and what path I was to take in my life. I guess the light just came on and said, "Time to get on with it" "TIME TO BE"

Kassie's Soul
Mood:  happy
Topic: Self-Discovery
It's been long enough since I started this site for my therapy. Now, I plan to use the space.
As you know, I am Kassidy (Kassie 2 my friends).I am a pre-op Male 2 Female transsexual.I am trying to establish my identity to find out truly who I am on the inside. So, I am spilling my guts here.
I was born W------ D------ G----- in a sleepy, gossipy, little bible-toting community called Mountain Home, Arkansas. I was the oldest of three male children.
I have self- identified as female since my earliest recollection. I seen myself as a girl before I could ever differentiate male and female.
Growing up in that kind of stifling, (close) environment gave me no end of grief in how I related on a daily basis. I wanted to do girl stuff like make-up and clothes and such. I also wanted to be held, accepted , and loved as I was, not by who I pretended to be. (As if anyone could like the arrogant, stand-offish, Asshole I was.)
Like so many of my sisters, I participated in every macho, (boy) activity I could. I tried to convince myself of my worth as a boy as a way to deny how I felt inside. I felt ashamed to acknowledge my true nature. I can still hear my father telling me, "I didn't raise no Damn sissy!" So, I built this Alpha-male fascade to deter peoples' suspicions. I done a pretty good job too. Fooled almost everyone, except myself.
Christ sakes, did I waste a bunch of my life. Hell, I even got married to a pretty good person and brought my own unique brand of grief and chaos into her world. I feel kinda' bad about that, but at the same time I feel better off for the experience. I don't think I would be at the point in my life I am without her. Thanx Kerry!!!!!!
I have truly came out in most aspects of life except for a few family members. I have to do it in such a way as to not upset the balance of things. I will do that in very short order now. I will be finishing that task in mid to late September. DAMN, I can't wait.
With any luck, I should be starting classes in November or thereabouts. I want to be in classes and getting good hormone results by end of year or late winter. Then, I will change my name and present Kassie for the world to behold.
I am growing up, BLOSSOMING, as Kelly puts it. I am actually planning for the future, and honestly want to be a part of it. I think the world will be a better place with ME in it.
For now, That's all I got to say 'bout that.

When Kelly Met Kassie
Mood:  amorous
Topic: Acceptance
This entry begins on January 24, 2004 . It was the most significant day in my new life. That was the day my wife met Kassie.
I had known her for several months. I had told her that I "dressed-up" and she was cool with that. Then one night I went out En Femme and when our eyes locked, that was all she wrote. We have been thicker than thieves ever since.
Who else can understand a TS like another TS? Not many could. I never have that worry of, "Oh honey, by the way, I have something we need to talk about" or " I have no idea how those panties got in my drawer" I don't have to pretend to be someone I'm not. And if there's anything I need to know, two heads are better than one.
Who else is gonna' understand the personal hardships you're going through? Unconditionally. Who has already been where you are and can help with understanding the sacrifices and plans you are making to ensure your future happiness
That closeness, that mutual respect for eachothers tenacity for following things through, and kindred interests and reciprocated affection that makes you look forward to each morning. That is what makes life worth living.